A Drunk Angel's Thesis!
by Nezz.San
Summary: To celebrate the coming year of bad Evangelion jokes, and because I got drunk while writing this, and because I took up a writing challenge from a friend. Here you go.


NOTES

Wrote this to celebrate the new year of bad evangelion jokes. Took it up on a whim as a writing challenge and cause drunk. Hope you enjoy.

Exterior!

An Angel attacks New Tokyo! But this isn't an Angel like wings, halo, Caucasian, has their ass singing hallelujah in the background and stuff.

This Angel is this green man gangly thing with a bird skull mask. WHAT.

Anime butt, good sir.

So he comes in, wrecking all their cool buildings and streets.

Humanity's like, "Dude. I dunno what holy messenger you are from whichever god you belong to, but it sure as hell AIN'T MINE! EAT MISSILES AND BULLETS!"

But it doesn't work, cause you know, he's a GIANT KAIJUU and they're trying to kill him with CUTE LITTLE FIREWORKS AND TICKLES

Happening somewhere else! A young pubescent boy arrives because he was summoned by his dad who abandoned him when he was young.

This frail and low esteemed boy is Shinji.

Seriously, this guy is so wimpy and weak, he's like prime target for those adult ladies that like to prey on younger boys.

So an adult lady arrives to pick him up and she's like "GET IN MY CAR KID! I'VE GOT CANDY AND I CAN TEACH YOU THE WAYS OF A WOMAN'S BODY!"

And he gets into the car cause seriously… who wouldn't?

The lady's name is Misato by the way. She's important.

Back at the military base, the generals are like, "Fuck! I can't believe our puny armaments didn't work!"

This smug beardy guy named Gendo goes, "Of course it didn't work. Haven't you guys watched any of the Godzilla movies? We live in Japan! To defeat a gigantic rampaging asshole, you must use a larger or equally sized asshole. Like a Gundam or something!"

"Do you have a Gundam?"

"No. BUT I'VE GOT SOMETHING REALLY CLOSE!

*pause for dramatic effect*

IT'S A BIG PURPLE ROBOT!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"That sounds absurd and I think you're half fucking with us, but it's not like we have any other option."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. Don't worry, Nerv was made to handle this shit."

"Okay Gendo. The shit is yours. By the way, you're missing an "e" in your organization's name- fuck it, I don't care. We need to get the out of here cause I'm sure you're gonna fail."

So as soon as the incompetent military guys leave, Fuyutsuki(who is basically the Alfred to Gendo's Batman) makes a very….very important point.

"Gendo you talked big shit back there, and the size of your cahones are matched only by your Galctus sized ego, but I believe there might be some things you've overlooked."

"What's that, Alfred?"

"We don't have anyone to pilot the big purple robot, sir."

"…..

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit—Wait! Isn't that kid SHINJI in town?!"

"You mean your son?"

"Yeah! Wait, I have a son? Where the hell has he been for 3 years? Oh right, I've been ignoring him. Whatever! Get that twerp here, PRONTO!"

"We've sent Misato."

"Doesn't that chick have a thing for younger boys? Ehhhh I'm sure Shinti will be fine."

"Shinji, sir."

"Nooo… I'm pretty sure it's Shanti."

So Shinji and Misato get to Nerv HQ and Shinji's super excited to see his dad after 3 years of ZERO CONTACT.

And when I say excited, I mean he has mixed awkward nerve racking feelings because on one hand he gets to be reunited with his dad

And on the other, he hates him cause of the whole abandonment thingy.

Mixed with some other minor thoughts like:

"WTF am I doing here?"

"Is this lady flirting with me?"

"Oh my god! IS THAT A GIANT PURPLE ROBOT?!"

So Misato showed him the giant purple robot.

Gendo comes in like "Been a while, huh?"

And they have a tearful reunion for like 0.0000000000001 seconds

And then Gendo goes, "Get in the EVA."

Shinji's like "What?"

Misato's like, "What?"

Gendo's like, "The purple robot. It's called an EVAngelion. We call it EVA for short. Cute, huh? Now pilot it. You gotta kill the crazy rampaging asshole, outside."

Misato goes, "Wait, don't we have an ACTUAL trained pilot girl named REI?"

A random blonde scientist named Ritsuko interjects. "We can't use her. She's BROKEN."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S BROKEN! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?"

"THERE WAS THIS EXPERIMENT AND WE ACCIDENTALLY BROKE HER OKAY!? So this fragile little boy has to pilot the EVA instead. Shinji, get in the EVA."

Shinji is of course, paying more attention to his dad and is like, "Hey pops. Is this why you called me here? To pilot this EVA? Even though you didn't talk to me or anything FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS?!"

To which, Gendo goes "Yup. Pretty much."

"So you only call me when you have a use for me? Like that friend that has a truck when you need to move your shit?!"

Gendo has to pick his next words very carefully. You see, Shinji is the ONLY PILOT that can save all of humanity. The ONLY KID that can drive the giant robot and fight the monster Angel that's trying blow up everyone with its pew pew lazorz. One slip up, one wrong word… and the human race is doomed.

So, being a smooth fucking talker, Gendo prepares to give the best pep talk he can muster. But then he remembers his No Fucks Given Policy.

"Yup, I only called you here cause no one else could do it, or else I _probably_ never would have gotten back in touch with you. But if you're not going to help, then go home and stop wasting my time. I'm kind of busy, you know. Now, Shinji, get in the EVA."

Ritsuko's like, "Yeah. We're kind of getting closer every second to complete annihilation so you're going have to get in the EVA."

Misato also joins the chant cause she also goes "Shinji kun, get in the EVA."

But what did you do when someone told you to do something, when you were a moody teenager?

You went/he goes, "This…is…BULLSHIT! FUCK NO AM I GETTING IN THE EVA AND FIGHTING THAT SCARY MOFO OUT THERE!"

You never said that when you were young? Okay, maybe it was just my childhood then.

So everyone kind of just shrugs like, "Shit, well we tried, kind of. What are we gonna do now?"

To which Gendo goes, "I guess we'll just have to use BROKEN REI. But I think once Shinji sees how fucked up she is and she gives him that 'puppy with only 3 legs look', he'll be convinced."

They wheel her out on a hospital bed and she has bandages EVERYWHERE! She is SUPER BROKEN, like eye patch, head band, arm cast, IV tap sticking out of her.

And as if the Angel can see what the hell is going in there, he goes, "You know what would suck? If there was an earthquake and Broken Rei gets tossed out of her hospital bed and falls with her severely damaged body. Like how terrible would that be?"

And that's what happens.

The Angel pulls a dick move and pew pews a part of the city and causes an earthquake that makes Rei fall out of her bed.

AND NO ONE HELPS HER.

The doctors that brought her out disappear and the only one who does go see if she's okay is Shinji.

So Shinji goes, "Hey. Um… You ok?"

And Rei just keeps bleeding.

"So….no. Oh come on don't play that injured three legged puppy dog card on me! Shit, fine, I'll pilot the EVA."

And Gendo takes a victory lap, yelling, "YES! TOTALLY CONVINCED HIM, I AM THE BEST FATHER EVER!"

Shinji finally gets in the EVA and we cut to the ending theme, which is AWESOME.

Fly Me To The Moon~


End file.
